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Archive for September, 2013|Monthly archive page

Self-Doubt, The Devil.

In Uncategorized on September 10, 2013 at 1:48 am

I always write with the intentions of a young creator discovering the piece one day and appreciating it as much as I do writings like How to be Alone by Tanya Davis, or Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. It’s not that it is the single most important piece of literature, it’s just that you may need it at the time.

This writing is about self-doubt, and how although produced by you it is working against you, AND how it’s not your fault but it is your job to get rid of it.

It’s a modern day disease.

Nothing, will tear you down like self-doubt.

I understand that you may have gone through things to bring you here… because this is life and things happen.

You may not even be able to put your finger on what brought you to the point of battling with self-doubt, but you’re here.

You’ve experienced something or dealt with someone who made you feel like you weren’t good enough for your own dreams, although it was your elaborate mind that conceived them.

In my case, there was an unhealthy relationship, and that was only the start of a battle with the devil I call self-doubt.

Unjust comparison started the reign of terror. Unjust comparison continues and fuels it.

Even now as I’m writing, I’m battling; thinking this may not be good enough for whoever will read it, but I have to actively choose not to let self-doubt win.

There is another mind of yours, and I hope you’re aware of this. The mind that encouraged you to begin your pursuits of whatever it is you want in the first place. Listen to that mind.

When you’re young and rambunctious, very rarely do you set up boundaries for yourself. Instead, you are working your way around the ones already set up for you. Kids always find ways to climb over the child safety gates.

Self-doubt is a boundary that essentially- you’ve set up for yourself. You’ve place child-safety gates all over your mind, and are terrified to death of going over them.

Even in the matter of your imagination as a child, no land is too far and no bedroom is just a bedroom. No, your bedroom is space or a dreamhouse, or an old western.

Now, you’ve started to entertain the idea that maybe a bedroom is just… a bedroom.

You know, some people live like this. And that’s fine and all, but you, you’re different. You know what it’s like over the gates and up into space. Therefore, you can’t be content. Your body thirsts for the you that once was and your mind is somewhat in agreement.

So here you are, fighting. with your own self.

I’m not sure at what age self doubt comes in to play. I believe it’s different for every individual. I ran into the devil at age 21- fairly late.

I allowed self-doubt to tire me at times, because I’ve become scared, defeated and intimidated. Never completely has self-doubt beaten me, but it’s won a few rounds.

I dare to say that college heightened self-doubt for me as an after-effect of attending. A part of my spirit found it necessary to conform and be responsible, whereas I felt invincible as a care-free doer and creator before.

Have you ever seen a boxing match? Find a recording of an old fight and find a boxer to root for. hopefully he wins. To be safe, I would go with Muhammad Ali.

Watch the boxer go round for round, sometimes getting his teeth knocked out. Sometimes being thrown to the ground. Sometimes wobbling unconsciously.

Watch when, as any other human being would give up because this is nonsense, and this is just not the kind of physical harm a person should be putting them self through, this boxer gets up for the next round, and he eventually wins.

You’re already the boxer. You don’t have a choice there. Your choice is whether or not to stay on the ground; whether you will keep your mouth closed forever or you’ll let the gaps in your mouth show like trophies when you smile.

I know that self doubt can feel like Goliath and you, David.

I know that it can feel like no one else understands that you are fighting with a battle born and alive in you.

And I know, how alone you can feel, just because you want to pull through. If you gave up, you’d have “friends.” People to be comfortable with.

Know this- You will never be “comfortable” with them. You’ll be in pain from faking it.

Find comfort in this- you are not alone. Though, those like you may be scattered around the globe and across time, we’re here.

Push on. Keep going. I want to meet you in the future.

Your will to survive is stronger than self-doubt could ever be.