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Self-Doubt, The Devil.

In Uncategorized on September 10, 2013 at 1:48 am

I always write with the intentions of a young creator discovering the piece one day and appreciating it as much as I do writings like How to be Alone by Tanya Davis, or Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. It’s not that it is the single most important piece of literature, it’s just that you may need it at the time.

This writing is about self-doubt, and how although produced by you it is working against you, AND how it’s not your fault but it is your job to get rid of it.

It’s a modern day disease.

Nothing, will tear you down like self-doubt.

I understand that you may have gone through things to bring you here… because this is life and things happen.

You may not even be able to put your finger on what brought you to the point of battling with self-doubt, but you’re here.

You’ve experienced something or dealt with someone who made you feel like you weren’t good enough for your own dreams, although it was your elaborate mind that conceived them.

In my case, there was an unhealthy relationship, and that was only the start of a battle with the devil I call self-doubt.

Unjust comparison started the reign of terror. Unjust comparison continues and fuels it.

Even now as I’m writing, I’m battling; thinking this may not be good enough for whoever will read it, but I have to actively choose not to let self-doubt win.

There is another mind of yours, and I hope you’re aware of this. The mind that encouraged you to begin your pursuits of whatever it is you want in the first place. Listen to that mind.

When you’re young and rambunctious, very rarely do you set up boundaries for yourself. Instead, you are working your way around the ones already set up for you. Kids always find ways to climb over the child safety gates.

Self-doubt is a boundary that essentially- you’ve set up for yourself. You’ve place child-safety gates all over your mind, and are terrified to death of going over them.

Even in the matter of your imagination as a child, no land is too far and no bedroom is just a bedroom. No, your bedroom is space or a dreamhouse, or an old western.

Now, you’ve started to entertain the idea that maybe a bedroom is just… a bedroom.

You know, some people live like this. And that’s fine and all, but you, you’re different. You know what it’s like over the gates and up into space. Therefore, you can’t be content. Your body thirsts for the you that once was and your mind is somewhat in agreement.

So here you are, fighting. with your own self.

I’m not sure at what age self doubt comes in to play. I believe it’s different for every individual. I ran into the devil at age 21- fairly late.

I allowed self-doubt to tire me at times, because I’ve become scared, defeated and intimidated. Never completely has self-doubt beaten me, but it’s won a few rounds.

I dare to say that college heightened self-doubt for me as an after-effect of attending. A part of my spirit found it necessary to conform and be responsible, whereas I felt invincible as a care-free doer and creator before.

Have you ever seen a boxing match? Find a recording of an old fight and find a boxer to root for. hopefully he wins. To be safe, I would go with Muhammad Ali.

Watch the boxer go round for round, sometimes getting his teeth knocked out. Sometimes being thrown to the ground. Sometimes wobbling unconsciously.

Watch when, as any other human being would give up because this is nonsense, and this is just not the kind of physical harm a person should be putting them self through, this boxer gets up for the next round, and he eventually wins.

You’re already the boxer. You don’t have a choice there. Your choice is whether or not to stay on the ground; whether you will keep your mouth closed forever or you’ll let the gaps in your mouth show like trophies when you smile.

I know that self doubt can feel like Goliath and you, David.

I know that it can feel like no one else understands that you are fighting with a battle born and alive in you.

And I know, how alone you can feel, just because you want to pull through. If you gave up, you’d have “friends.” People to be comfortable with.

Know this- You will never be “comfortable” with them. You’ll be in pain from faking it.

Find comfort in this- you are not alone. Though, those like you may be scattered around the globe and across time, we’re here.

Push on. Keep going. I want to meet you in the future.

Your will to survive is stronger than self-doubt could ever be.

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For Girls That are Like Me.

In Uncategorized on August 7, 2013 at 2:29 am
 

For girls that are like me,

 Some boys will love you but will be afraid to tell you so.
You are a responsibility and you are beautiful.
And some boys will at first think they are man enough,

but they aren’t.

Do not blame them, or fault them.

They meant no intentional harm.

And you, young woman, just have your fun and learn.
I am young right now, too. Feeling just like you. 
But I know a man will come and handle this.
And I will love him vehemently- something that no other man or boy could handle.
And we will feel the sun set and the moon rise. We will feel the earth move.
Our love will be so intense.

So, sweet girl, don’t cry.

Things will be ok.

You just need to be appreciated in a world where everyone is taught to look over you like you are yesterday’s news, when you are really tomorrow’s front page.

Don’t be discouraged.
I know it’s hard.
I want to cry just thinking about how i’ve felt before.
And today, for some reason I thought to write to inspire you.
Stay strong
These boys are boys,
and you need an man to be a man.

Don’t give up, and don’t occupy yourself with worrying.
Look how good you are at things.
Look at your talent. Look in the mirror.

Keep loving yourself, and building yourself up.
Don’t wait for him or chase for him; you’ll find yourself in agony.
And drink wine. If anyone tells you not to and they are a Christian, tell them that it’s in the bible. Anyone else should understand.

Be a friend to yourself, and be gentle with yourself.

You are as beautiful as you think you are, and sweetheart,
You are timeless, and you are here to stay.

– A girl like you.

Don Cheadle, Kerry Washington Talk Frankly About Life in Hollywood

In Uncategorized on June 14, 2013 at 4:36 am

When will my Packages Arrive?

In Uncategorized on June 11, 2013 at 2:04 am

It’s 1:45 P.M on a sunny Monday afternoon in Hollywood, Los Angeles. I stand at my door, like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. Instead, I am waiting for my temporary owner- the UPS man. He owns my time. On any other day, I would’ve been out at the grocery store, making a career run or at my friend’s downtown apartment enjoying the view from the roof. However, my time is constrained to my house; huffing and puffing and wondering “When will my ever-loving packages arrive?”

I pace from the couch to the door and from the door to the window over and over again as if I’m on a subconscious biological schedule. I try to distract myself with television but there’s nothing good on. After a while you realize that the price is never right and that Law and Order is always going to take you on the same ride, so why bother. The guy you didn’t suspect did it. So you’re back to pacing. Then I make some things to eat and become a glutton, realizing that I’m stuffing my face out of pure boredom. The food then becomes nasty and tastes like feelings so I move on to further boredom. I decide to take a nap, but II am so paranoid about not being able to hear the doorbell that I can’t sleep. And noises… don’t even get me started on noises. The moment I hear anything that sounds like a huge vehicle carrying belongings addressed to me, I go running like an Olympic champion. But I run in vain. It’s only a school bus, on its way to pick up happy children who don’t have to wait for packages yet.

Then it’s back to stress induced boredom. I’m beginning to believe to the rumors people tell of this particular delivering service.  The ones that state, ‘they arrive when they want.” I guess I wanted to have faith you know. You want to have faith when your chips are in. Sigh. At least I’m losing nothing but time. But is that not what’s most valuable?

The Superhero Complex

In Uncategorized on December 20, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Some are burdened with great purpose, and that purpose can be hard to understand. It can take us a while to figure out exactly what is in store for us, what the plan is and where we fit in.

We spend our years putting it all together, although it’s there all along.
And we start to realize that with that purpose comes with responsibility. We have to make the decisions and the sacrifices that others won’t or aren’t able to.
We ask ourselves, “what makes me so different? why me? why not me?”
These questions will make their way in and out of your thinking, and if not careful, they become weeds growing around the flowers of assurance.

When we are young, and we follow our passions and our instincts, things make sense and we lack inhibition.

As we get older and we see more of the world, our eyes are opened.
With the good that we see in the world, we are also exposed to the bad. We are exposed to the evil, the greed, the heartless, and the inhumane. It’s inevitable.
And these dark shadows cast wide and large. It can be frustrating, distracting, discouraging, and misleading.

My favorite poem quotes, “But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism(The Desiderata).”

With that darkness, we must also search for the light. The light is always there.

When you choose to kiss instead of strike, the light shines.
When you choose to hug instead of push away, the light shines.
When you commit one act out of kindness, and you recognize true justice as the solution, you shine a light.
When you go against popular vote, and do what is needed and what will go unnoticed, you shine the brightest and longest lasting light of all.

Dark falls very quickly, but light travels.

You’re a superhero. Continue to light up the darkness, and understand that your purpose is long lasting. When you feel like giving in and the responsibility is heavy, please consider the load you’re carrying.-Light for all.

Hope.

In Uncategorized on August 11, 2012 at 1:46 am

Sometimes, You’ve got to tell yourself that everything’s going to be alright, even when you’re not sure.

There can come a point when you’ve thrown in all your chips and you’ve given it all you can, but the odds just don’t work out in your favor.

You may be out of control, and there’s not a self-help book around to tell you something that can help you.

That’s when you need hope. That’s when you give it up to something bigger than you, and bigger than the world you live in. Something you can’t necessarily see, but believe in.

Even those who claim believe in nothing, have to believe in something. I hope that they do.

Because without hope, a soul can suffer. Some burdens are too big for our shoulders, but we carry them anyway.

It’s nice to think that when we get to where we’re going, that we can take the load off, and relax for awhile, and that things will be alright. so you keep on carrying, and you can do it with your head held higher than Nadir.

That’s what hope is all about.

Showers vs. Naps.

In Uncategorized on August 11, 2012 at 1:08 am

In the dead of an August night, one young woman experienced the personal mental quarrel that had reigned supreme over anything else she had ever experienced…in the past day or so prior to that night.

She had a choice to make before going out with friends of hers. With only an hour of time before she has to leave to make her reservation promptly:  Take a shower so she’d feel so clean and so fresh (fresh) after a long day of work, or take a nap so that she’d be awake for witty conversation and banter?

That young woman

was me.

Was I sailing uncharted waters of thought? No. For the puzzle presented before her…or me at this point… is one that has disgrunteled many who have preceded. The ancient battle between two simple, yet effective leisures… entertained and intertwined by humans and…basically just other humans alike is this:

Showers vs. Naps: Which is better than the other?

Epic as the tale may not be, this is a pretty legit feud I’d like to put to rest. without further ado…

FIGHT! (said in the Super Smash Bros. N64 announcer voice)

NAPS:  You can take one anywhere, even in the desert. But you’d have to watch out for buzzards and hawks who want to eat you.

You can take them in cat form. also known as a “catnap.” This is when you curl up like a cat and wake up quickly to scratch anyone who comes near you.

You can take them in the form of “power” as well. This is when you get just enough rest to push through the rest of your day.

Or in some instances, you develop a super power, with which you can choose to be a hero or villain. It’s a rare occurence (but not unheard of).

WEAKNESSES: You don’t know what’s going on while you’re sleep. Babyface lied in that song about thinking about that girl on two occasions. You’re asleep at night. Liar. Sorry lady, he’s only thinking about you for 12 hours, at the most.

VS!

SHOWERS: Showers are great for cleansing. You can feel as dirty as a prostitute on a Sunday morning, but a good shower can clean that all away. For the most part.

Showers are cool because you’re awake, and able to check for people possibly interrupting your relaxation time. And punch them.

Weaknesses:

You can’t shower without appropriate plumbing. So if you ever wind up in the desert, you’re screwed. And you smell bad. So, go stand alone please. By that cactus… over there.

6 out of 10 household accidents happen in the bathroom. 4 out of those 6 happen in showers. Basically, Showers are more dangerous than bungee jumping at six flags while holding a pair of scissors that you stole from Manny Pacquiao . Food for Thought.

WINNER: NAPS!

Naps are more convenient, less dangerous and better for crisis desert situations (You never know when you’ll be in one. It could happen). Not only that, but Naps provide us with get-up-and-go energy to tackle our sometimes hectic days.

However, enjoy your showers. They’re a grand luxury to us all and why not be squeaky clean? Showers are awesome, but defeated in this battle because it’s the simple things in life that count. Take your naps. Whenever.  The world will be here when you awaken 🙂

Tangled.

In Uncategorized on July 25, 2012 at 11:21 pm

I took a train ride earlier.

While sitting, I went to brush my hair with my hand, and wound up finger grabbing the lady’s weave who was sitting in the opposite facing seat behind me.

I turned around and said, “Sorry.”

and she said, “It’s ok.”

and it seemed that she knew what had happened, but had decided it wasn’t a big deal and that I was just a girl with uncoordinated hands.

That was a relief, because I thought my face would be punched, so I decided to turn around and continue avoiding eye contact with people casually until my stop.

But alas, I could not.

For a strand of her weave was resting upon my finger.

this was breathtaking and daunting.

After four shakes, I managed to get the hair off and decided to play Where’s my Water, because I knew my hands would be occupied and protected from further encounters like such.

Not Today, Zumba.

In Uncategorized on May 29, 2012 at 11:00 pm

My mom and sisters take Zumba classes on Wednesdays, and always pleasantly invite me to come along.

I sternly reply “NO” and go back to eating spaghetti on the couch.*

I don’t hate exercising, and I’m not a fatty fat fat.

This is my bone to pick:

Zumba:

It has a LOGO.

What the…

I don’t like that.

Frosted Flakes has a logo. Batteries have logos. And plenty of other things that you buy and eventually run out and/or stop working.

I feel like I will run out of Zumba, or like it won’t really help my body.

I feel like it wants me to trust it, and I feel like it should just be natural and that it’s moving way to fast for me.

It feels like a horny crummy boy you meet at a skating rink.

So…NO.

* I eat Spaghetti on Wednesdays nights often.

Reverse Psychology.

In Uncategorized on May 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Hey, So…

I’m trying this new thing where I focus on removing all negative connotations from my thinking and speaking… period.

It’s not as easy as you’d think. For example saying “It’s not as easy as you’d think” is actually a negative connotation.

To make this easier, I’ve been reversing all negative thoughts before even speaking them, which actually benifits my daily routine.

example:

“It’s not as easy as you’d think” when reversed = “This will be a stimulating challenge to overcome.”

Or, instead of pointing out something you don’t like about a person, just don’t mention it. Mention the things you do like, and keep what you don’t like to yourself . Also, try saving it for an up-building discussion where you can add this thought in a more positive way in an ultimate attempt  to help yourself and others to be better people.

Try it too, if you’re interested!